Press Conference

[A Presidential press conference from earlier today. Not widely televised.]

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As most of you may already know…there was a gunperson attack at a military institution late last week. The suspect [click, click, click] is thought to be a gentleperson of male persuasion and orientation. [click, click, click] Now the good news in all of this [click, click, click] is that this Mr. Hasan was a muslin. I think we can all take great courage in knowing that our affirmative action reverse discriminatory polices have ensured that persons like Mr. Hasan are and will be indefinitely retained in publicly funded positions, despite very creditable evidence that would call for contrary procedures. This is a public good that should be celebrated. [click, click, click] [click, click, click] [click, click, click]

But despite the positive GDP numbers we have seen for our most recent economic quarter [click, click, click] it is being publicly discussed in the media that this Mr. Hasan is not cooperating with either civilian or military investigators. In an effort to shore up the interrogation sector, I have called on Fed Chairman Bernanke to begin administering an injection of water-boarding stimulus immediately. [click, click, click]

Now…some of you…may [click, click, click] be inclined to think that this action, and others like it, will somehow darken the US’s perception in the global economy. Therefore I have given Treasury Secretary Geithner additional regulatory powers to have Mr. Hasan retroactively aborted once the stimulus has had a chance to work its way through the system. So as to forestall any hang-ups in the House of Representatives, we have assured by various means that this will be performed without the use of any federal dollars. Such prompt action, and performed in this particular manner of implementation will provide value added services to our economy…creating approximately one real man-hour of work to be divided equally by thirteen immigrants who will be pronounced “legal” later on in my administration. [click, click, click]

Also…[click, click, click]…I am advising the American public…[click, click, click]…that next week…Due to the stress and nature of being President of this great nation…[click, click, click]…My family and I will be taking a brief three-week vacation in an unnamed amusement facility just slightly southwest of Orlando. In my absence, I would like to defer any Presidential responsibilities to my Vice-President, Joseph Putin. Thank you. [click, click, click] [click, click, click] [click, click, click]